Olivia Denison
Mr. Salsich
English 9
5 February 2009
Freedom and Imprisonment:
What Would You Like to Look At Through Your Prison Window and What Is Freedom?
If you had the choice, what would be the one thing you would want to see in jail? What couldn’t you live without for one day? What is the most important thing in your life that you cherish so much that you wouldn’t want it to leave your side? Ferdinand from “The Tempest” would like to see the girl that he has fallen in love with, Miranda, each day because she is so beautiful and he couldn’t live without seeing her face.
Most people who are imprisoned would say they would like to see their relatives, pets, or maybe someone to confide in. What I would like to see though, is the ocean. I simply love the ocean; I love the sounds it makes when crashing against the rocks; I love how the color can change from a dark blue to a lighter blue to green, and I love how the ocean is full of possibilities, storms, the animals that live their and the things that happen in and on the ocean (Tricolon). I just ponder (FAST) all the possibilities the ocean can have: waves tiny or big, rough or bumpy, that can be fun to watch, but can also possess a destructive force. Observing the bountiful (FAST) life in the ocean and the people playing in the waves, reminds me of how life used to be. Sailing upon the waves with salt spray in my face makes me feel alive, and I would want to feel that again. If I became discouraged about something while in prison, I would listen to the waves crashing and the water seeping through the cracks in the rocks and it would calm me and put me to sleep. The ocean can change color and intensity, just as people can change their expressions, moods or opinions. The ocean inspires me to fight through the rough times and turbulent seas to eventually realize my dream of freedom.
The ocean never dies and covers nearly three-quarters of the earth. The ocean commands its own destiny and for this reason, I would like to be as free as the ocean. To have the power of movement, to have a mind of your own, to have no one tell you what to do and to have the power to create, would be invigorating (Tricolon/FAST). I would be free to crash, move and create currents wherever and whenever, and bring pleasure to people. No one could control me or attach strings to me or capture me in a cage, because as water I would have no boundaries and could assume the shape of my surroundings. I could swallow a boat or give the people the ride of their lives. I could make a rogue(FAST) wave and destroy something and only land could block me. Freedom is having no one to dictate to you or control you, but rather possessing your own opinion with the power to accomplish anything.
If I was imprisoned, my thoughts of the ocean would provide inspiration that maybe someday I would be as free as the ocean. If I was as free as the ocean, though, I wouldn’t abuse my power and destroy things or scare or hurt people. I would be a warm fun relaxing place, so that maybe somewhere someone who is imprisoned would be looking out through a window, admiring my freedom.
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4 comments:
Olivia,
So far you're doing a SWEET job with your essay. However I am not entirely sure where the rest of your essay is. Whether you forgot or couldn't post it I don't know, perhaps you should try again later. Also, you are needing a comma between "green" and "and" in the third part of tricolon for in to make sense. However with a little more work you will have a NICE essay.
~Eleanor~
Wow,
Olivia, I could hardly tell where one sentence ended and the next sentence began, your writing was so tight and blended so well. However, the last sentence was something of a letdown, you developed such a nice rythm and saying "This would" kills it. You would be better off with "the ocean inspires" something that sounds stronger. This is not really an error though, it just stuck out. Also 6 lines up from the bottom take out the "and" in "and put me to sleep" and just use a comma so it would read "it would calm me, put me to sleep" I don't know if you think that's better, that's just how I write.
Zack
guys i was sick remember Mr.Slasich said it was OKAYY!
Olivia,
your essay is extremely well written. You write like a serious high schooler. One thing I would like to encourage you to do is to summarize more what your essay is going to be about in the opening paragraph. The paragraph seems to have more questions than needed (even though it's a nice touch). Also, the last sentence in the body paragraph is confussing to me and could easily be clarified. Other than that nice job!
- Hannah
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