Hannah Staley
Mr. Salsich
English 9
February 3, 2009
Freedom and Foundation
An Essay on Imprisonment and Freedom
Being away from anything I know and love is close to unthinkable for me. My home, my freedom and my family are all things that make me who I am. If I were only allowed to see my house once a day, I would be really unhappy. The same also goes for my freedom. If I couldn’t express myself on the athletic field, conduct experiments in science class and lead the Friday GIVE meetings, school would not be nearly as fulfilling or interesting.
If I were imprisoned and could only see one thing through my window it would be my home. My home is my central point and ultimately my safety net. Home is where I can be myself and feel completely safe. I know that if I was to be homesick or in a rough situation, home is just a phone call away. Also, my home is not only a structure but a place that nurtures values. Within the walls of my home I have been taught to be clean, to respect people’s space and to love the people you are with. I have learned that when you obey the rules, not only is a family growing stronger but the walls within the house grow thick. Without my home, I don’t know where I would be. I treasure my home and its contents more than anything in the world and a day without it is unbearable to think about.
I would like to be as free as the ocean. I would like to be able to be carefree and easygoing. I would like to go with the flow and take things as they come. It would be nice to wake up one morning and let go of all life’s worries and concerns. To be able to enjoy the day and seize every moment I have with my colleagues, teammates and friends. I would also love to be as flexible as the ocean. Not being tied to a schedule five days a week and just being able to flow with different currents and land where the waves take me would be a wonderful experience. It would ensure that each day is different and unique. Being like the ocean would allow me to accomplish big and small things. Whether it’s as small as helping out a friend or as large as finding a cure for an awful disease, the opportunities are would be as varied as the ocean. But, when you look at it in the big picture, the ocean never ends. It comes and it goes just like you thoughts and emotions. Sometimes, you need to become “free” of these emotions and I feel like the ocean might best help me complete that task.
Building the foundation of a family through a home or referring to freedom through the ocean all ties in. Being at home gives you a sense of freedom and to some the ocean can feel like home. Everyone, at some point in their lives, will need to take advantage of what a day can offer while enjoying the freedom that is there if you just look for it.
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Self Assesment
Hannah Staley
Freedom and Foundation Essay
February 5,2009
Some strong points I see in this essay: I really like the tricolon I used in this essay. I used this literary element well and I was quite proud.
Some weak points I see in this essay: A weak point I see in this essay is my closing paragraph. I believe that it is doing its job but could have been more direct.
Writing issues I am continuing to work on: I am continuing to work on deleting useless words. I feel that I am getting better but I do find my self occasionally slipping.
Grade I would give myself: B+
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3 comments:
Hannah,
You have done a GREAT job so far with this essay. You have many strong points and clearly state what you want to say. However I do find the introduction a little confusing. You sort of jump around a bit, and even though it's quite catchy I had to read it over a few times to understand it. Also in the first body paragraph in the last sentence you say "this home", maybe you want to consider changing it to "my home" to make it sound more personal. However apart from this you have a FINE essay.
Hannah,
I absolutely adore the tricolon in the begining of the first body paragraph; it would be really cool though if you could take that "I would" and put it in again at the end of the paragraph or in the conclusion. It would really tie things together. As Eleanor was saying though the introduction doesn't seem to have a central point. This paragraph is the one you can write the way you would talk: the sentences all blending together instead of all very seperate. I couldn't really find much to help you on, great job.
Zack
You connect everything so very well, and state the thesis thoroughly. however, there are so many synonyms for the word UNHAPPY. If you changed it to a different word it would enhance your writing more. Also again, watch out for those area's where comma's may be needed.
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