Eleanor Hilton
9 English
Mr. Salsich
November 20th 2008
Words
Some thoughts about Stump Olsen’s discussion with us
Wouldn’t it be horrible if everyday twenty-four seven you were being beaten up, made fun of, and hurt emotionally just because you were just being yourself? Stump Olsen had a tough childhood just like this, and on November 17th she came to talk to us about issues such as these, focusing on the bullying of gay, trans and lesbian people of our world.
TS. My first initial reaction to Stump Olsen talk with us was shock. SD. This was first of all because of her rough and difficult childhood. CM. I find it so horrible that someone could be beaten up anywhere and anytime just because they were gay. CM. When Ms. Olsen said, “By my sophomore year of high school I was being jumped at least twice a week” I was completely flabbergasted. CM. In today's sophisticated world, you would think that everyone wouldn’t care who you were and how you were. SD. Another thing I found shocking was about her family. CM. Her hands shaking, but her back remaining straight, she told us that when she came out her parents told her that they wanted nothing to do with her. (absolute) CM. They haven’t sent her a birthday card, and she says that she doubts there will be any for the rest of her life from them or the rest of her family. SD. Although her talk probably sounds quite sad from what I’m mentioning but it was also quite inspiring. CM. She was a very pleasant person to have a conversation with, and our whole class was laughing about the jokes and other stories she told. CM. She also talked about her cause, Youth Pride, at her work in Providence where she and some others are providing shelter, food and a fun, safe afternoon to those who are bullied themselves. CS. Perhaps someday, we can get rid of this unnecessary hatred to people who are just being who they naturally are.
TS. In the world of today comments like “that’s so gay”, and “dyke” are heard everywhere. SD. Unfortunately, most of the time words and phrases such as these are used out of context. CM. So somebody perhaps would have lost a game of soccer, and a team member would shout “that’s so gay” for no reason, or out of habit. CM. Not only is that hurtful, but saying it around someone who is gay or a lesbian, is just plain cruel. SD. However, to me it’s not a surprise. CM. Throughout the history of our world there have been discriminations, hurtful words tossed around, many fights, and just plain meanness. CM. In World War II it was the Jews who were hurt and put in camps; in the 60’s it was the African Americans who were rejected by society. SD. Now it’s the lesbian gay and trans people that are being hurt, and it needs to stop. CM. Stump Olsen’s organization Youth Pride helps people who need it, and their friends who just don’t know what to do in complicated school situations. CM. Many children and students go on a regular basis for safety, emotionally and physically. CS. Starting with us, heterosexism, the unkindness to gay, lesbian and trans people, needs to stop. (participle)
Ms. Olsen really opened my eyes to what’s out there in the world today. Discrimination, and hurtful words are some of the things, but what annoys me the most is that what most people say is out of context. Recently it’s been the ‘thing’ to say, and quite frankly I’m sure that most people who say “That’s so Gay” don’t even know what they are talking about. Hopefully people like Stump Olsen will continue teaching to people how strong these words really are, so that eventually everyone can at least try to live without saying hurtful words, even if they don’t mean them.
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Writing issues I am continuing to work on:
I am working on improving my punctuation when writing essay's. Also I am making sure my requirements are apt.
Some strong points I see in this piece of writing:
A strong point that I see is that I have some quotes. This supports and enhances the writing.
Some weak points I see:
Generally this essay isn't my best. I didn't manage to find a spot for an absolute because the way I write is very factorial, not descriptive. Which means that there is nothing to have an absolute on.
The grade I would give myself:
Probably a B or a B- because I didn't manage to complete a requirement
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4 comments:
Eleanor,
I really like the openings of both of your body paragraphs, they did a great job of grabbing the readers attention. One thing I would look over is the second sentence in the first body paragraph. It is a bit confussing to me and shouldn't take long to fix. Also, your transitions in your first body paragraph are choppy, and could be smoothed out. Other than that you have one humdinger of an essay!!
- Hannah
Eleanor,
I agree with mostly everything Hannah said. It is a good opening paragraph that grabs your attention But like Hannah said your transitions our choppy and and there might be some punctuation errors.
Eleanor, as always, this essay does a great job of sticking to the formula. The actual writing though feels below your usual standard. In the first body paragraph you wrote, "In our sophisticated world of today...".
This sentence felt strange to me, "sophisticated" didn't really seem to fit there and it might flow better to say "today's sophisticated world" so that you don't use "of". And in the second body paragraph "part hurtful sounds a little weird.
HI ELEANOR --
just because you were just being ... YOU PROBABLY DON'T NEED THE SECOND 'JUST'. BE A GOOD 'GARDENER'. ALWAYS LOOK FOR 'WEEDS' THAT CAN BE PULLED FROM YOUR SENTENCES TO MAKE THE 'FLOWERS' STAND OUT MORE BEAUTIFULLY.
TS. My first initial reaction ... YOU DON'T NEED 'FIRST' AND 'INITIAL'...ONE OF THEM IS A WEED AND SHOULD BE PULLED.
CM. I find it so horrible... DO YOU NEED 'SO'?? IT COULD BE ANOTHER WEED. SERIOUSLY, DELETING UNNECESSARY WORDS CAN BE A GREAT HELP TO YOUR WRITING.
I was completely flabbergasted....DO YOU NEED 'COMPLETELY'? THE WORD 'FLABBERGASTED' MIGHT BE EVEN MORE POWERFUL WITHOUT THE ADVERB. THINK ABOUT IT.
SD. Although her talk probably sounds quite sad from what I’m mentioning but it was also quite inspiring.... IN THIS SENTENCE, YOU DON'T NEED THE WORD 'BUT'.
SD. Unfortunately, most of the time words and phrases such as these are used out of context. CM. So somebody perhaps would have lost a game of soccer, and a team member would shout “that’s so gay” for no reason, or out of habit. CM. Not only is that hurtful, but saying it around someone who is gay or a lesbian, is just plain cruel. .... THIS IS A WONDERFUL CHUNK -- SO SMOOTH AND LUCID!
..............
ELEANOR, THERE IS MUCH GOOD WRITING IN THIS ESSAY,. ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS CONTINUE TO BE A BETTER AND BETTER 'GARDENER'. LOOK FOR WEEDS IN EVERY SENTENCE. IT'S WHAT ALL OF US SERIOUS WRITERS MUST DO.
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